I don’t.

I shot myself in the head last fall and just woke up like nothing had happened. Then I promptly experienced a powerful mandela effect. The most powerful and undeniable one in my life (because the thing that changed is something I had experienced in its “old” version a few days before I did the deed).

I’m pretty sure what that means is that when I die, I transition to the nearest universe where I didn’t.

It made me realize that I might be here an extremely long time, and that leaving is not an option no matter how dark it gets.

Since then, I have had a gusto and commitment to life that I never had before. I’ve been kind of suicidal my whole life. Always keeping it in the back of my head: if things get bad enough, I’ll just go.

But now my escape boats are burned, and my only choice is forward.

The experience has actually been really wonderful. It’s so much easier to get myself moving. I just remind myself that if I don’t take care of my shit now, the next ten thousand years are really gonna suck.

because dying is painful!!!

I want to know what happens

I’m really enjoying my life and I’m happy. I wouldn’t trade that for anything!

Honestly? Not sure. More afraid of missing out than anything else.

Death scares the shit out of me.

Plus, I’ll get there eventually. No point in rushing.

sunk cost fallacy. i’m in too deep to stop now. really, this is how i manage everything. once the smallest amount of time has been invested in something there’s no stopping til i see it through.

My niece is starting to get old enough that, even if I leave a note asking them to tell her I was in an accident, I think she’d catch on. We’re not super close but I’m not sure what it does to a kid’s psych to learn people in their family can do that. I have VERY strong feelings about people who refuse to protect children, so unfortunately I’m here for a while.

what else ya gonna do? passes the time.

Living is fun and I have people I love and care for deeply, that make me see the world through alternative angles that deepen my appreciation.

Food

My boss would be really mad if I tried to not come in for that long

Because I know how much my funeral would suck

The most effective ways to die sound painful, and even for the “painless” ones, if you fuck it up you either suffer way too long or get slapped with insane medical debt and locked up in a loony bin for a ehile (usa). While I don’t fear death itself or have a strong emotional attachment to the life I’m living right now, my life’s in no way bad, so it’s still an easy choice for me.

I thought I’d just travel a bit and do nothing until I’m broke before I end it, but life was great then. Now I’ve sacrificed 10+ years trying to save some money for who knows what. Got to make it worth the sacrifice before I go