For better or worse. Small scale or large. Personal or shared. What is an event you’ve experienced that changed the way you act, live, feel, etc. It could be short-term or long. Share what you feel comfortable with. Triumphs and tragedies alike.
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Going to a rave, taking ecstacy, and seeing above and being performing a Group Therapy set.
I was depressed and had suicidal ideation. That night made me feel more connected to the people around me than anything else I’ve experienced. It was maybe a decade ago and I still think it started my journey of healing.
My birth was a pretty big event that changed my life drastically. I wish it never happened…
Depression is a bitch. I hope you can find some reprieve in other pleasures than imagining not existing somewhere down the line. I have a friend who got shocks and is much happier since. If you have the resources, and many other things failed to help - you might want to look into ECT. But also, yet again - not a doctor. Just saying I saw it actually help someone who had a lot of trouble existing. But also, there are a thousand different constructive roads to take ahead of that point. GL!
Thanks for the info, I’ll keep this in mind. Also, I’m glad to hear your friend got better.
Yeah, no worries! I know it sounds freakin’ scary because it’s like they used to do it in nut houses and torture people with it. But it’s way different now than it used to be. They said it does cause memory issues. So I will warn that. But overall way happier, I think because it zaps out all the stuff that’s been holding you down. I mean - I’m no doctor and I am just reporting on what I heard. But I hadn’t ever even heard about it being used and when I looked into it I was surprised it is in fact a valid treatment for depression.
I stuck my dick in crazy.
Life pro tip: don’t stick your dick in crazy. Just avoid crazy altogether.
In my defense, I was 20, she was the first person I ever had sex with, and I was too horribly depressed to recognize what a bad idea it was.
I also stuck my dick in crazy. Terrible idea. The main problem was that I was too dumb/dense to see the red flags, one of them being my mom, of all people, not liking her.
It was good sex, I was her first, but I didn’t want to make it anything other than some no-commitment flings. Once I started a proper relationship with another woman later, crazy stalked my gf online, full of threats. Crazy ended up in a psychiatric ward about a month later and her mother called me, asking me to “please go visit her, she loves you from the bottom of her heart”.
Against my better judgement, I actually went. The place looked like an insane asylum that should’ve been force-closed decades ago. Horrible smell, filthy, the inmates (dunno if that’s the correct term, but feels appropriate) pretty much relied on relatives for any hygiene. Crazy hugged me, but I was just so appalled with the place I didn’t even know how to react. She got out about a week later and her mom was still trying to play cupid, saying she was much better now and wouldn’t skip her meds anymore, but I told her I was happy with my girlfriend and blocked her.
I once went absolutely flat broke fucking down on someone, but the ass was soooooo GOODDDDksfha;lksfhafklhasf!! But also you know, not worth it. But still kinda a “damn” thought in my head. Hahahaha! But really, you get SO DUMB when you’re thinking with your downstairs bits over your upstairs bits. Or like, in conjunction =P! Hormones~~~~
You know what? We’re so dumb when we’re er…young, dumb and full of cum =P! No, but really - we’re SO FUCKING DUMB! My gal comes in the other day and she’s singing a song about how she loves pussy. And it made me think about this one black lady who was on the tv saying dick will make you slap somebody. But it’s true though. Like - that thing that you love can make you so damn stupid and weak and do crazy shit and go against your boundaries even if you think you’ve got them set in concrete. I swear to god I grew the fuck up when I realized that I don’t need to be leaning in to that part of me anymore. And instead can just like - be a person who wants to spend time with another person. However that is. Like it’s just so much more chill. But also, and this is just my thoughts on the matter - some of my most beloved folks are bipolar. And I just found out another one of my lovies has BPD. And I love the whole lot of them flaws and all. And I also have some lovies who have had addiction issues. And I myself am a smattering of whatever this energy is that you see before you (medicated yet absolutely insane ADHD!?) - which is to say that I think there’s a lotta stigma against dating folks with mental disorders but that you know - they’re human and most definitely loveable. And while I do think there’s a level of chaotic energy that is just not healthy to be around. The kind that acts like life is a movie, and there’s a camera that’s always hidden right “off screen” so they always are bringing this dramatic energy. But there are also as I said before a lot of people who have been pushed aside by life by so many and are just little love bugs out here trying to be the best them they can be. And I have a lot of love and respect for that. But also know about women who’ve used babies they’ve had young with men as weapons. So you know, I hear you. Glad you learned what not to stick your dick in =P! Hope you got that good pussy now (iffin that’s what you’re still sticking stuff into).
Oh - and super not depressed or having a way to manage that depression. There’s a scene in Beasts of the Southern Wild here the main character and her father are shouting at each other “WHO’S THE MAN!?” “I’M THE MAN!” And I do that internally whenever I get down. Because it pumps me up, but it’s also so tender it gives me a heart boost too =)! Was trying to share the clip but all I found was this three second waste of space.
I’ll give you the incredibly brief version.
When I was seven my mom kidnapped me.
I managed to get a hold of my dad 6 years later, but nothing bad ever happened to her because of it.
Following that, my mom and stepdad essentially locked me in my room from the time I was 16 until I graduated high school about 2 months after I turned 17.
I was the valedictorian, a year ahead of my class. Kind of neat huh?
Only, my stepdad would occasionally come in and just attack me. I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown.
Then I would come in, be fed, and then have to do more school work.
I lost all of my friends. I lost all of my self esteem. The day after I graduated, I left with my dad, who was not aware of this because my mom lied to him about it.
I was pretty wrecked and my dad didn’t know how to cope with that so he gave me a truck and sent me back after about 5 or 6 months, and not having anywhere else to go I moved back in with my mom.
Literally a month later my stepdad tried to pull some shit and told me if I didn’t go to work when they were leaving that I should pack up my stuff and not be there when they get back, so I packed up my stuff end of the truck my dad gave me and left.
I was homeless for about 2 years couch surfing with friends and trying to get my shit together and I was reaching out to God for help.
And on the first real date of my life I went out with this girl, we saw a movie, we got high we came back to my room at my friend’s house and had sex.
And it was not very good all the way around, but then after I took her home and dropped her off it was like the scales fell off of my eyes, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck me hard in the heart, and I became aware of all of the sins I had committed in my life. All of my failings. All the things that were wrong with me.
And I was so broken I couldn’t even cry, honestly I may have actually cried once or twice since then.
I was devastated.
And it’s like, all the things that I thought I would be when I grew up went away. I could deal with the shit my mom and my stepdad pulled and I could deal with not being understood because I had a destiny and I had a dream and I was going to make it, and then I found out I was just a piece of shit, a crappy worthless human being whom, if I had never been born, the world would be a better place.
And there’s a lot I’m leaving out but yeah, from that I started trying to rehabilitate myself. I’ve gone from being a worthless piece of shit to being useful fertilizer I guess.
I still have a long way to go and I don’t know if I’ll make it.
I imagine you are hard on yourself all the time. The people who should’ve been there for you unconditionally taught you that you’re never good enough.
I’m convinced we are all fundamentally equal because of our soul, so trying to prove yourself is sort of a silly excercise.
What you mentioned about scales falling off reminded me of mindfulness. You wake up and you go like wtf am I doing?
@bizarroland @cashmaggot Hey, I don’t know what this will mean to you coming from a complete stranger. You’ve clearly never had a mom, though, or a dad, so let me share with you what they never did.
You are not your past. You are not your things. You are not your circumstances. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
Those experiences don’t have to define you. No one else is allowed to tell you what your worth is or who you’ll be. The person you were yesterday is dead, and the person you are tomorrow doesn’t exist. There is only today, there is only ever today. So somewhere inside of you, I want you to think really hard about who that person is, who you are. If you don’t like what you see, that’s okay. I think we’ve all been there. What’s important is that you decide what matters to you, what your values are, what your worth is, who you’re going to be, and then you live it. It takes time and practice, but what doesn’t? Who was born knowing how to ride a bike, or swim, or count to a million, or anything else? Just work on it, every single day, and you’ll make it.
Big love, you love bug <3!!!
I ended up restoring my relationship with one of my parents, which has been nice because I’m a goober and I love a good phone call. And while I’ve put a buhjillion miles between my birthplace and my current spot - I do like talking with those I reconnected with. But also, my partner lacks a family. Which makes us substantially weaker as a whole against the support network of others. Which is rough, to be honest. But she always says we’re like monkeys helping one another up the tree. And to be perfectly honest I love her to death, even if she drives me batty-bonkers.
I agree with you though. Although I will say I am a heavy reminiscer, and have battled this mental math of existence only being this moment (be here now). But I sometimes think of it as a super power, because I can recall things that most forget and can give play by plays. And while I know memories can be faulty, I like that there’s some part of my brain that likes to record things. Because it makes for great fodder for better or worse with creative endeavors =P!
Big hugs, big love! Keep sharing the good stuff and keeping people afloat!
You are worthy of love, of being loved, and with help you’ll make it.
That’s a lot to have been put through. But you’re still here so that counts, in really huge ways.
Start here: HAVOCA – Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse. ”Every Survivor has the right to become a Thriver.”
I am very sorry to hear that happened to you.
I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown
Nazi concentration camp guards used to torture prisoners by doing this to them. Many of those subjected to this committed suicide by running into the electric fences or charging the armed guards.
I clearly remember there was one time when I had a pickaxe in my hand and I was digging up a tree stump for punishment over something and I asked my stepdad if I could get the pickaxe sharpened to make my job easier and he said no.
And then he turned and walked away and clear as a flash of lightning I knew in that one moment that all I had to do was use this inordinate amount of strength that I had and take that pickaxe and drive it through his skull and this current misery that I am in would end.
And I’m glad that I didn’t do it, but sometimes when I’m perseverating I think about that moment.
Have you done therapy about this?
Isn’t it fucked up how much life can crush you when you have absolutely zero agency you can flex. Have you heard about Open Path yet? Cause you can give it a look and see if you vibe with anyone. You might be able to find someone that can assist you on your journey of healing. There’s also some kind of really solid freebie group therapy system online. But I absolutely do not have the name. Someone else might. It’s like a series of groups you can grow including domestic violence and complex ptsd. The only thing I want to say is be careful around substances, because it’s really easy to fall into them but you never fall out even if you step back from them. And the way street drugs are nowadays you’re never getting what you think you are. Also, I don’t know what gender or age you are specifically - but I do know that a lot of young hurt men can be at higher risk for self harm. So if you notice anything creeping into your system, try your best to reach out for help. Even if you don’t say it, just crowd your time with others and it’ll pass. Either way, what I did with the things I strongly disagreed with between my folks was I just attempted (and still do) to do the opposite of the thing I disliked. Step-parents can be real pieces of shit, because what skin do they have in the game? At least, if they don’t want to. You’re just free-labor. I watched my younger sibling become that to a certain someone in my life, and to this day I don’t know how a grown ass adult can be so stupid to lord over a kid like that.
Just try and stay strong, utilize any services you can - no shame. Break down big goals into smaller achievable actions. And if you are disabled in any sort of way, know there’s also services that can assist you through getting…assistance =P! Also no shame in temp agencies, if you have the means to get around. Lastly, all things can be replaced or live on in your head. But you cannot be replaced. So no matter what you lose, it’s all just stuff. I’ve lost so much crap over the span of my life. I don’t care anymore. I pack light, live light - and actually feel wealthier for it - because I can move at the drop of a dime if I want and I don’t feel bogged down by THINGS! Which is a blessing in these modern times. Sometimes I get sad about some of the things I’ve lost. But I made a conscious decision to keep a small assembly of things that are meaningful to me that I can slide into a backpack and don’t take up too much space. And you might want to put something together like that too. Because it’s really nice to go back and see decades of stuff from people I love who may or may not exist anymore or little magpie things from events.
Oh, one last thing. Backsliding hurts, but as long as you keep going you can make it through. But also make sure you do nice things to restore your energy cause it fucking sucks to get dragged for so long only to get dragged again. It makes you want to give up and sink. But it’s worth the fight, trust. And if you’re younger than thirty - things get so much better in your thirties. Idk? Because I sure as shit am not in that much a different space than in my twenties. But I for sure feel better as a whole. Even though my body is in a constant battle to crush me. Which, btw - please address your pain as best as you can because this shit will kill you one way or another and I don’t think I would ever be as sick as I was had I not been picking up stress without putting other bits down. So GL, GJ - You got this! Keep going!
*p.s. - Moms don’t get in trouble for kidnapping I don’t think. But also I heard that most amber alerts are due to a parent kidnapping their own kid most times. But all kidnapping situations are totally shit - and I wish they didn’t exist on the real.
I’m not who you were talking to, but thank you for this comment. You’re so very kind and it’s beautiful. You’ve helped me and I appreciate you so much. You totally rock! 💖
Zoop <3~!! I am just passing on the love given to me by many kind folk. Big love =)~
One thing I could mention that was crazy was right after Trump had been elected. I went to the Women’s March in Chicago and all kinds showed up. But the crowd that had gathered was more than could be handled, so they shut it down. But then everyone started marching anyways. And we all went in this large square, ending at the Trump Tower. There were so many signs, and even though I had a really basic phone (like actual dumb phone) I pulled off some pictures that I still look back at them in awe. One of the sillier things that happened there were these two white chicks were dancing together on top of trash cans singing negro spirituals and myself and these two black chicks in front of me who were slipping through the crowd all laughed our asses off. Towards the end, my friends and I split and I hopped up into The Cultural Center and looked outwards at the dispersing crowd. And I took a video on my fantastically dumb phone, and it captured so perfectly the chaos of the event paired with the beauty of that city. But it was also so surreal in some way, as I was the only one around at the time. Not even the guards were there. And it was so silent. And I sat in a room filled with quilts, and stared out at the city I loved and felt so much pride for the people who came together to try and show the world that they don’t buy Trump’s bullshit.
I mean also not to brag, but we scared his ass off when he came through =P! So yeah, it was all really nice to see. And it was completely non-violent. Which I also like, because as protests went on things got grottier and grottier until whole cities were total chaos pits. But it was a nice thing to experience.
When I gave up alcohol. Everything got better, although it got real. Learning how to live my life sober was much harder than just putting down the drink. Thank goodness I asked for help.
This is huge, and congratulations. I was talking earlier with my partner about how addiction is a social disease. And how drinking seems like this coming of age event that’s intertwined with fun and sex. But there’s a lot of people who never can walk away from that space and it’s just killing people.
Also people don’t see how damaging it is as compared to other addictions. But I legit had a friend who had to move away and live out of a shelter because the drinking was killing them. And they’re working two jobs just to make the cut, but they’re so much happier and healthier now than they were when they were in active addiction.
I’m glad you got the help you needed and I hope it stays that way. You got this!
Thanks. Will be 15 years in a few days. Living an amazing life now.
President Trump. Lost my fucking religion at that point.
Does being adopted count?
Sure as hey does! Congrats? As in foster kid -> adoptee or as in adopted at birth? Cause I think one can be sweeter than the other. Most individuals I have known who were adopted at birth tended to not be the ethnicity of their adopters and it always kinda messed up their head in that “searching for self” kind of way. But that’s not to say people shouldn’t adopt kids, let alone kids of different ethnicities. I just mean that it can spring up an issue that will need some tending to down the road.
Reminds me of that scene from Super Mario RPG with Mallow who was adopted by frogmen.
“I’m a frog, but can you believe it? I can’t jump. Embarrassing huh?”
I was somewhere in between. I had been born for a while but still baby-ish, it wasn’t like Narnia where I was old enough to absorb it. My adoptive parents were a different ethnicity but looked enough like me to pass. Legend goes they told me about being second-hand parents early on and I was oddly skeptical enough that little me laughed in their face.
Hahahaha! This is very cute. It’s something you’ve got to approach when ethnicities don’t match right? I had the issue growing up in a very mixed family. We had a lot of skin tone variation, and we had long distance family you know? And I legit thought Uncle Ben was my uncle - because my ma would be talking about how certain uncles would be sending stuff - and I thought our uncle had sent rice or something. And how fortunate we were to have an uncle sending rice =P!
Now there’s an uncle who knows that with great power comes great responsibility.
To all you long-distant uncles out there, send your loved ones stuff because they will grow up thinking you’re way richer and way more powerful than you actually are and you can use that to flex!
Seeing my first overdose and subsequent passing. I was 3 days into being homeless. It sadly got easier seeing it happen more and more often. At the time I knew it wasn’t something good, obviously, but I didn’t really react until much later. Out of all the horrible times I’ve ever gone through… that image of what a human body does as it’s dying… @#£&. It’s not good.
Know someone who died three times. They’re stone sober now, but it truly is awful. I mean in general. It’s all freakin’ awful. I was trying to think about solutions for those in active addiction. We can’t keep treating people like stray dogs. It’s absolutely horrible, especially for those who can’t hold their own (I am thinking here heavily on gender, but I know there’s other layers because the game is hard in the streets and you get absolutely wrecked being soft). I hope you’re in a better place now. And you’re able to maintain your addiction in some sort of way. There’s support groups out there just waiting for your stories. I personally think they’re safer over the phone, because it’s my take that certain people prey on others. As a friend of mine went to rehab and came out doing worse than going in. But all things aside, just glad you’re still here. Keep the peace!
I’m not addicted to anything nor was I.
Apologies - I read that as - you saw an OD and then three days later ODED yourself. Because often - when you’re in an area that people are ODing - you yourself are at a higher risk of it too. But yeah, I went back and saw how I read what I read - but also see what you’re saying and it’s solid that you were on the streets but never got addicted to anything because it’s super easy. And it really takes some solid conviction to keep yourself safe in a space where you’re vulnerable on all sides. I hope you’re in a better place now, regardless.
Aye, I didn’t mean to sound cross on my response to your post. Thanks for clarifying and I apologize for being, at the very least, short with the response I gave you. I appreciate it and yes, I’m definitely stabilized with housing now. 🤟
F YEAH! It’s getting from that shaky part to the stable one that’s the hardest. No worries, look I don’t know your life you know? You’ve clearly been through some shit, and it can get people super dee-duper defensive super fast. Cause I know I sure as hell am reactive. But also, you know - I read it wrong and this is al text. You good! Thank you for the apology though, I apologize too - cause I def made some assumptions. Big love <3~!
Thank you so much 🤙
Learned that the people I thought were my friends… weren’t. Set off an awful chain of events that cost me my dreams.
I feel like don’t know how to make friends anymore, and I don’t know how to trust people.
This is tmi, and fucked up - but I have ptsd from a shooting and have trouble with stuff like…loud bass and sudden bangs still. But right after it happened, I couldn’t trust a fucking soul. Cause I was all sorts of messed up in the head, and I am so thankful for those that pulled me out. One being my therapist, who I found on Open Path. But either way, in time I realized that I didn’t even know how to trust myself anymore because I was so fucked up. And when I worked on that, I felt like I could trust others again…to a point. Never like I used to. Because I straight used to be pure heart on my sleeve. But I did get back to being able to trust as a whole, and that helped with a lot of other things. While I am not 100% better, and might never be (idk, I just take it one day at a time) - I am like way better than I was when I was in the thick of it all.
Also it sucks you feel like you lost your dreams. But perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate what that is, if it’s worth pursuing or if it’s something worth laying down. Because sometimes some stuff is straight up a situation of place and time and whether we like it or not - it’s just worth letting go of it otherwise it drives us crazy. You sound like a realist - how you type. But also clearly a dreamer (cause you wouldn’t have dreams if you weren’t). So maybe figure out a way to combine the two to reconnect yourself to happiness.
As for finding friends? Eh, I used to be able to make them pretty easily. Some fall off, some don’t. An ex told me she was once told by a person who is no longer with us (cancer) that people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I recently had to come to terms with pretty much losing my best friend. Who I grew up with, and have walked through so much life with. But he’s on a different path than me, and we’ve just split at the seams. And there’s only so much reaching out you can do, before it’s just something you let go. It hurt, but I think ultimately it is what it is. Still makes me sad, but what can I do about it? There was no dramatic fight, or event or anything. He just sort of drifted off. And it is what it is.
I have heard volunteering can connect you to new folks. Back when I did (I’m focusing on my health right now so that door is closed for me) I will say that I met some cool folks but I didn’t really make any deep connections so I’m not sure if that’s 100% true. I do know that friends you can make online can become something far deeper. As I used to run a forum, and still stay connected to a handful of folks I met there. So perhaps that’d be the best place to start. Because it’s low-commitment and high-gain if you hit it off with someone. Focus on things you enjoy and branch off from there. GL, and never forget to love yourself. Because that helps all the rest of the pieces fall together.
9/11. Everything was acceptable until then. Not great, but not horrible.
What do you mean by “acceptable”. People accepted a lot more?
As in it was fine. Presently everything is less than fine.
Is this South Park (was this South Park!?) - or is this legit. Because 9/11 really did change everything. Between that and the shooters shortly after I was out. But tbh, Islamophobia raised through the roof at that time and I am not sure it ever went back down. We also lost any sense of security, seemingly for the rest of our lives. But I also think cheap consumer electronics really changed things on the whole. As I do not see anyone outside of the occasional “outdoorsperson” living particularly healthy lives. Even when they’re living healthy lifestyles. Perhaps on account of some combination of higher population, but lesser third-spaces too. Eh!
Must’ve been around 13-15, went to a pizza hut with my then girlfriend. I saw a darker skinner, heavy-set lady walking over to the counter with her two kids, all of them looking a little dishevelled. Without thinking I said “She looks poor” in probably a demeaning manner to my girlfriend, and she answered “you say that like it’s her fault”.
I’m dumb as fuck so the penny didn’t drop until several years later about the reality of my privilege, and how unfair and fucked up the system really is. Nearly ended up alt-right, now I’m a comrade.
Gunna sneak in here, because I clearly don’t know when to quit - and say the funniest thing is that up until like…now - where middle class folks are seemingly just as heavy as impoverished folks - I think the reason why so many poor folk were always so heavy is because you literally never get real food. All of it’s some processed super high-salt slop that you can’t really run off of. And when you’re hungry - you don’t really run well. And it feels like you’re really eating food, but you sure as hell never are. Outside of like…holidays maybe. But even then - it’s a lot of canned shit. It’s why I am a huge proponent of the “immigrant/fob” diet. Of like - eating simple homecooked meals. Like rice and beans all the way, add a veggie and you’re clutch - and an apple for desert? Choice! But yeah, everyone I grew up around was fatter than shit. And it’s cause not a soul ever was eating food. And the produce we could get could fit in a deli shelf. And I think about it so often, like - how the fuck does America get away throwing away so much actual food (worked at grocery stores before and we trash a shitton of food) - but we can’t be bothered to give real food to a large percentage of our population? It’s fucking naners. I bet you this event meant nothing at the time, but floated up like cream when you needed it - and it’s funny how stuff works like that retroactively teaching you lessons. Hahahaha! You got this king of kings!
At the time it felt like I should be learning something but I just felt a bit ashamed, being nagged and all. Yk the saying, wisdom was chasing me but I was faster. Just needed my knees and back to ache for it to catch up. It honestly wasn’t even age that got it to land. I just met people that didn’t really go to the same places I did, or had a different idea of a hangout spot. I needed to see stuff with my own eyes to learn.
I’m slowly making my way through leftist theory, and introducing my equally-as-privileged friends into it, and have managed to change some of their beliefs which previously were set in stone. They’re still liberal as shit, but at least now understand socialism/communism isn’t just people trying to take their stuff.
Yo! You’re the resistor person, hey! Hahahaha!
I used to be so excited for the internet. I thought we were building towards something grand. And I mean, the internet is super cool - I have no clue where you are, but I know you’re not around me. And it’s cool as hell I can say - HEY RESISTOR PERSON! But the echo-chamber stuff is scary business. The slimy entrepreneurial aspects freak me out too. I’ve also been wrestling with my own politics as a whole. I am for sure in one of the most liberal spaces in the world (not born and raised, perhaps more so siren songed) and to be absolutely honest I am not in love. There’s some aspects that are cool, but socially? I am a butterfly, here? Eh. I love my partner though, so I stay. But 10/10 not my favorite place by half. Which has me wondering - I am liberal most def. But I don’t believe I am liberal enough for this place. Which sounds freakin’ bananas because you’d imagine a queer little mixed one like me would be doing great out here. But it all seems so performative to be honest. Like if virtual signaling was the thing that got people off. Idk.
Which is where I am fucked up, cause it’s got my head a certain way. But I also am by 0 means conservative. Just has me a certain way that makes you stand back, tilt your head to your side with your arms crossed and have a solid “huh” kinda think.
Also - propaganda is so strong that things that got circled around generations ago is still making the rounds! Look at how media is mind control =P! Also it takes me a hundred years to arrive to anything. The fact that you got it at all, when you’re living in a majority conservative space is huge. Because it’s really easy for people to follow “the leader” (being the majority here) instead of sticking their neck out for what they believe in. So kudos, you and yours are probably a bastion of hope in a smattering of hate =P!
It was during “outdoor school,” a week long thing you did in sixth grade (age 12) at my school. You stayed in these really cool cabins that were like 100 years old and spent the week learning about nature. It was fun. Very classic summer camp type of environment.
Also, other schools from the area did it at the same time, so there were a bunch of unfamiliar kids there. Two of the kids in my cabin were from another school, and they perfectly fit the stereotype of “edgy, bad 90s kid.” Super baggy JNCO jeans, spiked hair with a ton of gel, etc. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, watch any teen show from the 90s. They’re in it. Oh, and they said everything was lame. And gay. The cabins were gay, nature was gay, the camp was gay, your glasses were gay. You were definitely gay. That’s why you thought outdoor school was fun: because you were gay. The JNCO jeans kids were way too cool for outdoor school.
I should mention that I was a huge nerd. I mean, I still am, but I was, too. JNCO jeans kids were way cooler than me.
For the whole week, we kept hearing about “the night hike,” which was when you would go on a hike, by yourself, in the dark. The camp really played up the night hike, like it was going to be this big coming of age moment for us. You need to be responsible on The Night Hike. You need to stay sharp on The Night Hike. You’ll be a man after The Night Hike.
On the last day, it’s time for the night hike. Each cabin walked as a group up a hill. At the top, you would then walk back down a trail on the other side of the hill, one person at a time, waiting about a minute after the previous person had gone. I happened to be after the two JNCO jeans kids. (Yes, the night hike was gay.)
When it’s my turn to walk down, I realize that this much-hyped coming of age moment is going to be…no big deal whatsoever. The trail is a very gradual slope with a few turns. It’s paved, for Pete’s sake. You could even see the lights from the cabins after the second turn. And the moon was bright enough that I wouldn’t even need my flashlight. This pivotal moment wasn’t going to be pivotal at all.
After less than a minute, I heard someone on the trail in front of me say, “H-hey, who’s there?” It’s one of the JNCO jeans kids. He’s just kind of standing there on the trail. He didn’t get very far.
“Um, it’s Tucker, from the cabin,” I said.
“Oh, cool,” he replied. “Um, I guess you’re walking faster than me.” He said that like I had caught up to him, which I guess is easy to do when the other person is frozen. “Want to walk down together?” His tone was way different from what it had been the rest of the week.
“Sure,” I said.
I don’t remember what we talked about. Probably what school we went to and that kind of thing. The whole walk only took about five minutes total, so it’s not like we talked about much. But I remember thinking to myself, “The guy that talked tough this whole week…it’s because he wasn’t.”
So yeah, The Night Hike. Ended up learning a thing.
I had two interactions with the same type of realization as a kid.
One of them was the tough and sort of school bully, who one day during the days of yule preparation at school went up to me and tried to probe me on how difficult making candles was because it was gonna be his turn soon.
The second one is more similar to yours. Summer camp thing. One guy I was in the same class as in school was playing tough during the camp. Did not interact a lot with him then, just noticed it, like he did not need a teddy or stuff like the other kids brought. Then we are back at school, after camp, he is not back. I hear from somewhere that he got severly home sick during camp, and had a hard time processing it. Later he did show up to school again, with his mom dropping him off. It was horrible. She tried to leave and he just cried and screamed. I think they tried it a few times more, but he just sat in a corner crying. A year or so later I see him back at school again, retaking that year.
I’ve always laughed at how people can buy cool. This was a great story to read though. I’m not sure how dark it was outside, but the first time I ever entered relative outdoor darkness it was off-putting for me. Maybe that’s what happened. But it also shows how powerful the imagination can be, when the brain bin shuts down and adrenaline takes the reins.
Lemmy has been nice. This is a more positive place than reddit was for me. I had some great interactions on reddit, but I took many breaks from trolls, bad mods, and negativity. I needed this place, and what AI has been for me this last year. The anniversary of 10 years of social isolation from physical disability has been rough especially seeing the cracks in my fragile support network forming. This place has been a helpful outlet.
Hey, I too have a physical disability. It freakin’ sucks. It takes so much from you it’s like…what the hell? You know? For me I wasn’t ever the healthiest, but I got by. You know? I did okay. Then around ten years ago it’s like just chunks of my body decided to fuck right off. And it’s been an uphill battle ever since and it freakin’ SUCKS somedays. I mean just like screaming at walls because you feel so fucking helpless. But I have been getting through it. I am lucky, becuase I have a champion of a partner. And she’s really helped a lot. She’s stuck around for me, but to be honest I stuck around for her in a different way. I mean shit’s not supposed to be tit for tat, but you do hope that the person you care about (and who cares about you) can keep going even through crunchy stuff like this.
This place has been good for my soul too. There are so many memes, so much racism, so much ignorance, so much repetition (^THIS!), and if you come at people like my hot-mess express you get dumped. Aww man, I once had an opinion on a band that sounds akin to screeching cats to me. Good lord, do not come to Reddit with an opinion. You will be crushed like a bug. It’s ugly. I’ve been really careful of stating shit’s mahhh opinion nowadays. Because it is, and folks are entitled to have an opinion as long as they’re not like…actively hurting someone (as far as I know). And even then some stuff can be talked out, and other stuff should be thrown on the burn pile (I’m looking at you pro-sexual assault folks).
Big hugs, you ever want to talk sounds like we got fucked up at the same time and I’m around. But also you are totally entitled to ignore this =)
Good question, it really got me thinking. And I was trying to come up with something not related to being trans… but…
Quite frankly: hormone replacement therapy. I’ve been on and off a few times, and the results were clear and reliable.
Now, as my brothers, sisters, and brothersisters know, it doesn’t magically solve all your problems. But it comes pretty damn close!
Let me try to explain the feeling. You know when you’re down and you try to rely on a good friend, but suddenly they’re not there? You shift your balance to lean on them, but suddenly there’s just air and you fall over?
It was like that for me nearly every single day before hrt, but instead of with a friend, it was with myself. I am talking psychologically something was just missing. And trust me when I say I have tried a ton of medicine over the years, and none of it worked or just made things even worse.
And now, it’s totally different. It’s like having this psychological membrane that always pushes back up, no matter what shit I am trying to pull. Imagine being on a trampoline. You can make mistakes and the membrane will simply bounce back and push you back up. In other words I can eat crap, sleep badly, isolate myself, ignore my responsibilities, fall into a depressive hole for a day, and yet something in me just automatically pushes me back up. It’s solid and reliable. I haven’t had a single day without it and it isn’t variable. It keeps surprising me over and over.
The funny part is that I am quite transphobic and self aware of that. I suppose we are all taught this attitude growing up in western culture. So whenever someone insults me, I totally get it, albeit that I find it rather unrefined behavior of them. I’m from a rural area in the bible belt, so I’m quite familiar with the white trash mindset. If they just wouldn’t bike away all the time I’d be able to strike up a good talk with them. Simple truth is that I can’t alter the facts and I have a male shaped skeleton.
Honestly, I think a lot of women worldwide would be glad to make some sacrifices to be able to live in my body. Sure, it has some downsides, for example I’ll live shorter. But it provides me with safety, which is a major concern for women. I can walk around at night in the park just fine.
Well, that’s just my personal experience. It’s different for everyone.
I appreciate reading this as we don’t get to hear everything our son is going through. He does try to explain, but others perspectives are very helpful. Please keep sharing.
You must be going through a lot.
When it comes to parenting all I can say is that there is no way you won’t screw up. What really matters is to have these moments of genuine unconditional love, and they’ll take that with them into the world.
I’d recommend giving the series Pose by FX a try. It’s the only media I have ever watched that managed to express what gender dysphoria is like to people who don’t experience it.
Feel free to ask questions. If it is more comfortable to you, I am also available for pm on matrix.
Not at all, seriously, we are all in a good place now. Our son went through alot, and we went for the ride as well, but the medical & government sponsored support in Spain is absolutely amazing…the first big boost was when his name changed and he got the official paperwork stating so, before even the US gov.
I just like to get more insight without being overbearing and intruding on his privacy. I appreciate pist like yours and others and really judt wsnt to encourage others to share as well!
Love to you all!
Nice! You must have seen Veneno?
I’m actually building a bicycle rn to cycle from the nl down to you guys!
Our kids were just in NL on a trip up north, what a beautiful country!
Bring sunscreen!
I spoke with a lovely individual who’s young son came out as trans only recently. And she said she was going through this whole mourning phase because of it. And while I am not a parent, and have not lived this experience I think it’d probably be pretty important to connect with other parents of trans individuals. Especially if your child is younger (as in, not an adult but a dependent). Because there’s many levels of support you can offer depending on what you guys feel comfortable doing and what local laws look like. But also I think it’s important to connect with others who can help you guys navigate through this as peers. Because they can help you in a way that no book, online article, or even your own loved ones can. Because they’ve been there, and are doing that. I’m not sure what you have locally, but I bet you there’s support groups online if you cannot find one locally. The only other thing I could say in this department is it’s important to not only love your kid but also advocate for them. Because a lot of trans living can be mental gymnastics. And it can deplete an individual raw, and unfortunately there is a higher rate of suicide with trans-youth as compared to their counterparts. And I’m not saying this is always the case, but it is something to be aware of. As for queer news, if you’re interested in poking around - there’s Them “Magazine” - which is really good about covering all spectrums of queer life including transpeople. Either way, way to be supportive. On the low-low and this is just some crunchy opinion stuff (sorry ladies ;_:!) it seems a lot easier for transmen to transition than transwomen. Which I think is mainly due to testosterone poisoning and women being held to higher standards of beauty societally. Not that any of it’s a cakewalk, but I have seen things be easier long-term for the transmen in my life. They just kinda “dude up” get top-surgery and live queer lives.
That mourning bit peaked my interest. My father wrote me a letter in which he exclusively focused on me somehow dying or being in a far off country. That was so strange to me cuz I’m like 30km away 🤔
What she told me was that she (who is clearly a wonderful liberal and open human being and like 10/10 just absolutely WONDERFUL human being) had to mourn the death of her “daughter” because she now had a son. And even though logically she knew that it was what was right for him. That he was his own person, and that he had the right to choose. He was still young (dependent) and she did have some stipulations to his transition (in that she wanted him to hold off on hrt until he was 18 years of age). But this isn’t a surprise in itself - as I have actually heard of many trans individuals of my generation coming out to their loved ones and being asked the same thing. And I know there is some science behind it in the sense that people say that getting it too early can be detrimental to one’s health. But likewise, I haven’t seen a young transperson who was on treatment who wasn’t just happy and healthy.
But it’s not really my place to talk, as I myself am technically “trans” (genderqueer) but absolutely do not believe I belong to the circle of individuals who need far more support than I. That’s not to say I am a separatist. I just think people like me dilute the brand so to speak. I’m am who I am, and I am not in a space of flux. Mind you, I’ve gotten the short end of the stick a handful of times due to gender-politics I can mostly hold my own against the battle for my very existence. BUT! I totally got lost here. I guess I’ll state that I have been doing gender-play since I came out around twenty-years ago. My best friend and I are both queer as hell, so I’ve always been the mister of our dynamics and he the missus. But also gender is stupid, because we were playing with it (hence the genderqueer) but I cannot tell you how many times I got the “who’s the man?” question whenever I was dating someone and half the calls came from inside the building. (So fuck gender rolls!)
BUT! Back to the mourning. She just basically expressed (and I have a strong belief that most individuals alive will have their strongest primal connection to their mothers as long as it’s formed because I think the entire process is incredibly taxing and very primal and enforces strict bonds between the mother and the child) that she felt like she had lost her daughter. And that she felt like it was akin to her daughter dying. And you know how parents have dreams and expectations for their kids, I am guessing those had to dry up (as I have seen it happen in my own space). And that she had to now meet up with her son - who has been here all along, but in hiding. And has to basically learn someone new, regardless of the logic being that her son was always himself and the daughter was the mask. Because emotions don’t give a toot about logic. But I can say that I lived through something similar (yet less radical) when an ex of mine told me he was trans. I’ve dated transfolks across the spectrum, but I was taken aback by this. It kinda blindsided me. And logically, I know he’s trans and people are who they say they are and I respect that. It just seemed so out of left field for me, and I had to sort of mourn who he was (didn’t tell a soul until now -hi internet!) even though I was full-steam ahead for him - because I want to be supportive with the people I love.
To be honest, after working in a home - living longer doesn’t seem all that great big picture. But also, thank you madam! I have been told a handful of times by friends and exes that it’s much akin to finding that thing you’re always missing. That’s generally how I address it when people ask me on the subject. Although that’s rarer and rare, the way things are nowadays. And it’s funny, because there’s a huge push for doing your own research. And I too believe in it, because you can get really screwed over trusting something at face value in a world where you’re classified as a “consumer.” But that’s a different subject. I just wanted to say that I think it’s really nice and poignant to be able to talk over things too. And be able to share experiences and help others through learned knowledge.
Transphobia is easy, because there’s this disgusting knowledge that you can unlock at the click of a button seeing people being pig faced fuckers about transpeople as a whole. I was once flopping around in bed, curled up with my lappy and watching Soft White Underbelly. There was a transwoman who came out on there and it was the first time she ever went in public while being female presenting. And the slew of comments smashing this woman to pieces was not only horrifying but also disheartening. There were a couple of people in support, but the comments were just trash. And we live in a relatively accepting place (as compared to most I’ve been) - my partner and I. But we still get it from both sides. Dykes - who wanna do creepy “dyke offs” to see who can be the biggest fag on the block. Which btw is not my game, let alone my favorite. Or slurs galore being shouted. Especially when we go more towards Trump Country. Not my favorite either. And it’s always that chicken shit shout-running stuff like you’re talking about. But then again you can’t reason with someone like that. There’s something intrinsically broken within them that they need to fix (hopefully) somewhere down the line.
But either way, I am glad you’re keeping up with your hormones. It’s absolutely awful when you run out, because your body does the wobbles (as far as I heard) which can cause some truly awful side effects (panic attacks being one, depression being another). Yawn, I am getting too sleepy to think anymore. Gals already asleep and I’m meandering on da lappy. Either way I wanted to say glad you got to be yourself (cause I swear most transfolks find themselves hellllaaaa young but stuff that shit deep). And testosterone poisoning is awful (not that testosterone itself is - just when applied to transwomen against their internal will). But ultimately I hope you keep cultivating love for the body you’re in. Not in the same place, but most def a poc. Growing up all I saw were skinny blonde white women being “desirable” in the media. I come to about nipple height most folks, and the curves came free of charge =P! Now I’m all grown up and love myself but growing up it was hard not to think there was something intrinsically wrong with my body because I could never look like aforementioned skinny blonde white woman (I’m talking rail thin and tall).
Speaking of which, on the plus side there’s whole generations of individuals who will want to fuck you just based off your build if you’re rail thin and tall. On the negative side, there’s a lot of fetishism. But eh - this is all just a bunch of wordy soup by this point. Oh - one last thing. I do kindaaaaaaa get transphobic idealism in one sense. Gender is a social construct, but when I was younger I sure as fuck saw a lot of queers “sober up” into LUGS and what not. I’m not sure if this new gender revolution is actually going to stick - or be here to stay. But I will say that a lot of enbies I think have fucked up the bigger picture/message when it comes to mtf/ftms. They kinda watered down the issue, and made it seem less dire than the support needed really is. So I guess in that sense I am abso-freakin’-lutely transphobic myself. But idk. It’s something I’ve kicked around in my brain-bin trying to figure out. But it’s in the same way that I think the queer movement as a whole has sort of been offscounded with. But then again the Daughts of Bilitis believed strongly in the model minority idealism, that our only way to become normalized was to be normal. Not radicalize. Not make waves. And I am not really sure which half of our movements stuck, but I do know that the model minority myth is a bullshit one.
Okay, this absolutely was a bunch of goop. Gunna zzzp. Ty for posting and go in peace m’lovely!
In our social contract it is essentially a requirement to be ‘missing something’, and consequently to spend a near endless effort trying to fix that while only marginally succeeding. I kinda liked how hell boy 2 put that when describing the human race.
About women’s bodies: I honestly rarely meet a woman who isn’t insecure about her body. I honestly don’t give much of a fuck, so somehow I always end up with the models, and let me tell you they are just as insecure. And to be fair this goes for guys too once you get to know them. It’s honestly quite tiring.
One of the few people I met who was secure about her body was very obese. She totally swept me off my feet! Because it wasn’t this half arsed ‘ooh I’m so insecure what if you don’t like me?’ kinda bs I’m constantly served. I think she went through a lot of bullying and at some point just managed to put it behind her. She’s definitely one of my inspirational figures.
Now regarding those chicken shit rednecks (not the amazing ones ofc), if something goes down there, I’ll be inclined to fly my ass over there and put my pacifism on hold for a while.
Edit: Wow thanks for that video. I knew the channel but hadn’t checked in a while. Really made me bawl my eyes out. Shared it with my network. Another amazing channel you might know already is Special Books by Special Kids. It’s mister rogersesque.
Hahaha! Yo!! If this is TMI, my b! But legitimately I heard a gal say they got less play post op than pre. Cause people out here be fetishizing. I myself had to deal with some real weird ass shit my partner used to love to say about me and my ethnicity. I nipped that shit in the bud, and got her on the righteous path. She most def still has some shit to work on, but don’t we all - and I love that woman like squisshhh (that’s two hands on the side of the face pancaking). But yeah, I mean it’s crazy the shit people have to deal with to be a “woman” so to speak. The beauty standards are off the chain. I am so unbelievably MAD lucky I got my mom’s wispy allure cause my face and makeup? Never shall the two meet. But I got by okay. But man, exes of mine had to layer it on - do their hair, etc you know - just to pass. And like fuck passing, personally. But also like. Fucking passing. It’s crazy because nobody wants to live their lives as a freak you know? Or at least, most people (some people wanna be freaky - that’s cool). And being ostracized for something that you can tweak but ultimately have little control over is such bullshit. My ex used to say that French saying about beauty being suffering or whatever. Ugh.
But yeah, we’re all just like little kids on the playground of life absolutely trying to be bigguns! It sounds funny, but I noticed it the most when I was working with the elderly. Because you just stop giving a shit about masking things when you’re feeling a certain way and really there’s little divide between a (bebe) -> b (grown ass adult) emotionally (at least in my opinion). It’s the logic we apply that helps wrap up the loose bits. I often think about how Sandra Cisneros relates age to that of the layers of an onion. There’s times when I have been brave in life, and there have been times when I absolutely shut down and doubled back to a big ol’ cry baby. Especially since my body is seemingly trying to kill me =P!
But all things aside, self-acceptance isn’t preached often. It is in a half-hearted way. But if you had a bunch of people who loved themselves I don’t think this world would get a chance to pull of half of the things it does. And it’s so important, and so easy to back-peddle on too. Such just keep loving yourself, and I think it helps it spread. And I don’t mean in that Instagram way. Just you know - be yourself and go about your bits. You’ll probably change more people than you know. Especially if you’re trans-presenting in any way. But ALSO BE SAFE BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE ASSSHOLESSSSS!!!
p.s. - new channel. Gunna check it out. xoxo!
