I wrote a book. I have the page numbers done, and now I just have to fill in the rest. I wrote a song too, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is.

I’m going to court next week. I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case. 6,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant …I don’t think they did it. I know a few of them and they wouldn’t do anything like that

I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell… Although, whenever I leave a house I go through the window.

What do you call an elephant that can only be accessed remotely?

Telephant

Yes, I’m a dad, how did you know?

What did the tree said to the woodpecker? Nothing, trees don’t fucking speak.

What’s the most common type of owl in the UK?

The Teat-owl

This one is a true story:

I was in Dallas Love Field with my daughter several years ago.

I said, “You know, this is where John Kennedy landed only a few hours before he was killed. Show some respect and try not to make an ass…assin of yourself.”

Roughly fifteen years later her eyes still haven’t come back from rolling into the back of her head

• What’s brown and sticky?
• A stick

Extremely nerdy:

• I accidentally gave a guy a BLJ instead of a BJ and he got launched up the fucking stairs

Slightly less nerdy:

• Hey did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? It’s a Pretty Nuts Story!

I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.

He said he can’t complain.

When my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.

Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Whenever someone says “oh my god” i say “you may call me [insert name here]”

Why did the surgeon hate performing toe amputations?

…he was lack-toes intolerant.