I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.
I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.
But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?
During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?
I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.
it could happen, specially with teenage girls. but it’s not often. the risk is higher in the discovering and exploring phase. (I’m a woman)
(Relevant to the tweet, not to OP’s question)
One of my favorites. RIP Trevor Moore.
Rip Travis, he came and he went.
Better that only you know than everybody knows but nobody wants to talk about it. Communal shame is terrifying. Here’s an excerpt from the story Guts.
This friend of mine, he waits months under a black cloud, waiting for his folks to confront him. And they never do. Ever. Even now he’s grown up, that invisible carrot hangs over every Christmas dinner, every birthday party. Every Easter egg hunt with his kids, his parents’ grandkids, that ghost carrot is hovering over all of them.
Veggies are certainly not unheard of, but everyone is different. Your wife and friend may be serious, or not, but some people totally fuck vegetables.
When i was in the early weeks of getting freaky with my now wife we were at her place making out and I picked up the TV remote and asked if she’d ever used it as a dildo and she blushed a little and said yes.
One of my exes would use bottles sometimes, I was always a little nervous about them breaking but fortunately it never happened.
thats freaky
Teenagers do stupid shit. So while it’s not something everyone does, it absolutely happens. No it’s not something anyone should seriously try. You cannot effectively clean a vegetable and it can break, requiring embarrassing medical attention.
And yes, one of the reasons for an allowance is because teenagers need some agency and privacy to become normal healthy adults. If they want to explore their sexuality alone it’s perfectly natural.
My ex was an operating room nurse. She had a few choice stories.
Dude came in with an English cucumber stuffed so far up there they needed to knock him out to remove it. It’s all slithery and soft. It was literally baked.
My ex used to love cucumber. Chow down on them all the time. Not after that.
It happens yes, but I stopped because I understood that insects / mold / organisms grow on fruit and vegetables, so I think of it as gross now, but it beat a hairbrush handle.
This isn’t even the commercial i was looking for but here ya go.
Did you put it back in the refrigerator? Did Mom find it under your bed? This wasn’t an accident; someone made an intentional power move and your family is toxic.
It’s a shitposting meme. The poster has this pinned on their twitter:
That said… I have heard horror stories about poor theater staff finding cucumbers after the 50 shades premiere. Some of it was just people memeing and trying to prank but I’m not entirely sure about all of it.
4chan greentext, but signing with your name? Brave.
This is the modem equivalent format for an ancient dirty joke. Back in the day kids you could find collections of them in printed books, and later, entire websites solely dedicated to hosting thousands of dirty jokes. They were presented in story format, often happening to your cousin’s friend.
Not saying no one had ever had this happen to them in the history of mankind. But this is also an old dirty joke that is probably more commonly repeated than acted out.
This is the modem equivalent
Nice keming
Lol good catch. It was totally on purpose and not swipe being swipe. Yep.
Any cucumber you handle for 3 hours for any reason is garbage. You wouldn’t put it in a salad because it would be mush. This is a BS post, obviously.
her post may not be real, but is it a real thing?
Fucking yourself with a cucumber? Sure, if that’s all you got, get it, queen. I’d suggest something slightly more substantial, though.
The fuck you mean substantial?
Watermelon.
Anything can become a sextoy… if you’re brave enough.
Watermelon would be the worst melon though, drill a hole in a honeydew instead lmao.
Eggplant, obviously
🍆🍆🍆
Oh … ouch.
I’ve never used a veg for these purposes and I’m not planning to. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone, and I would recommend be very mindful of the hygiene of any objects you decide to insert for whatever reason- speaking from experience here, UTIs are no fun.
Most people don’t use vegetables for this afaik.
That aside, the only girl who ever confided in me that she used a veg (a banana btw) also said she put it in a condom. She said she would bin it all afterwards and this sounds like what someone reasonable enough would do. I’d be grossed out if I was to eat something used for that and I’d feel awful to have my family eat something used that way. Just no.
Thank you for the honest response! I sincerely appreciate it.
Reflecting on your answer, that would make complete sense. Why wouldn’t a person use a condom? My wife has explained how concerned she is about UTIs, and adding that veggie bacteria would be concerning.
I’m starting to feel like my veggies are safe.
Any decent person would trash it afterwards.
That’s just wasteful. I would totally eat it after washing.
Also most young teens would be a little intimidated by a cucumber. A carrot or banana is more likely, since they’ve probably seen a condom on one before.
As for the 3 hours, it’s long but by no means impossible.
I havent seen anyone mention this, but cucumbers have little sharp spikes/spines on their skin so that’d be a huge no for the vast majority of people, and those little spikes would probably rip any condom stretched over it.
Very few people are gonna be into fucking themselves with something that’s got tiny thorns on it…unless they go out of their way to remove them without peeling it entirely I guess.
Seems like a lot of work though.
I’m a dude and a cucumber definitely doesn’t seem like it would feel great going in and out. It’s bumpy and the skin is pretty coarse. A banana definitely sounds like a more logical choice.
Nah, you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the girth and texture of a garden cucumber.
I used to grow cucumbers. Garden cucumbers have a rep for flavour and texture, not girth. That’s a nice looking cucumber there, good job.
When you have the talk, make sure they know that the two rules to follow like gospel are to always use protection, and to never use something that doesn’t have a flared base.
Probably save any further interventions for if you discover that one of those gift cards was used by a horse loving kid to get a flared base and head.
During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?
🤣
😭
This thread has been a gold mine for me OP, thank you 😂❤️
