M. 34. Unfortunately I will never get companionship, never being with a woman, so that means no kids, until recently i was doing a miserable job, now I’m unemployed. I don’t have friends and still living with my family since I can’t survive alone, we’re low class…
Seriously, what’s the point? Please don’t tell me to just live and go out there and explore the world, to leave everything behind, that’s not possible. I always despised “exploring” that’s why I stay in my room most of the time, even when I had a job. But I know how some of you will respond…
I guess there’s no point. Someone had to lose this fucking game.
You are here every week posting this exact same shit. People have tried to help you and give you real advice. You don’t want help, you want attention. The Internet isn’t your therapist and you don’t want to listen anyways. Stop wasting everyone’s time.
This is likely the third time I’ve seen this dude posting “woe is me” here, getting amazing great advice to see a therapist, and completely fucking ignores it.
OP go see a fucking therapist.
Oh man, I didn’t know that there was a whole history of repeating the same posts. I hope some passerby who relates to the post can gain from the outpouring of advice etc here
Are they deleting their old posts?
They also seem to be full of shit, considering in one breath they say they’ve never been with a woman but also just recently commented they isolated and drank after a breakup in another thread.
Very weird.
No. The last one about giving up losing weight is still up and the ai girlfriend one as well.
Nope, they are all still there. “When did you stop caring about how you look”, “summer is the worst season”, “what does it feel like to be with a woman”. Dude is depressed, depressing, creepy, and doesn’t want help - he just wants attention.
I still like to think I’m there for him if he needs someone. It doesn’t feel like myself to be dismissive like that.
But they don’t want a therapist. And they don’t want advice. So I guess they just want the attention. Or pity. Hard to tell which.
I think it’s pity
Is there nobody who would miss you?
You can explore stuff without leaving your room.
Ex, The Internet
Live a better life, not for other people, live a life you want to lead. When you have your own life sorted, you’ll find other people want to participate more in your life
the biggest doxxer/bully to us in our life is mostly ourselves
You can be happy without a woman and without kids. As it turns out, it usually works best to be happy by yourself first, if companionship is what you want. Learn to love yourself before loving others. Keep trying.
That’s the best I could do, hope it helps. Good luck to you.
You can be happy without a woman and without kids.
I mean, just ask any gay guy.
I will never love myself.
Never is a long time m8. With those kinds of thoughts, I think you need professional help. My wife has dealt with similar things and getting therapy and medication really helped.
At the end of the day, your brain is just chemistry and sometimes the chemistry is just doing bad stuff. Go to therapy and get some medication. It will help, really.
The level of bullshit coming out of your mouth will not be fixed by platitudes like “love yourself”. You need medication.
I don’t like overdramatic depressed people so I’m not going to discuss this with you, I’m just giving this advice and dipping.
Ignore what everyone else says. It’s useless advice. Talk to a doc and get the right drugs. You may never love yourself, but we have wonderful pills that will change who you are. That person will love himself. Whatever sad creature you are now won’t exist anymore.
Responding in such a harsh and dismissive way to someone who may be struggling with their mental health is really not okay. Calling their feelings “bullshit” and “overdramatic” is incredibly invalidating.
I know you meant well but the overall tone here is way too critical and potentially damaging to someone in a vulnerable state.
They didn’t mean well. You’re giving them way too much credit
Platitudes won’t help…but surely being an asshole to them will, right? Just shut the fuck up if you that’s the only “advice” you can muster.
You don’t know they’re diagnosis. So you have no idea if they need medication or not.
Help yes. But, not all mental health disorders have a root cause that can be treated with medication. For instance, depression is comorbid in PTSD and CPTSD, which we don’t really have medication that helps great with aside from adrenaline blockers to help you sleep if you get nightmares .
My point is, telling people they need medication when you’re not a psychiatrist, and even if you are psychiatrist, you’ve never talked to them or diagnosed them, is not helpful.
It sounds like you’re going though a tough time. I haven’t been in your exact situation, but I’ve had a few severe depressive episodes before. While I can’t help improve your material conditions, I can at least offer some general advice for managing symptoms of depression.
In the short term, keep active. I know it sounds pointless or completely unrelated. I felt the same way, but over time it really does affect your overall mood. Go for walks, do some push ups, or find some other light exercise that works for your fitness level.
Make sure you get the right amount of sleep. With depression, some people stay in bed napping all day, and others hardly sleep at all. I tend to stay up way too late. Try to keep a regular sleep schedule. It really does have a huge impact on cognitive function.
In the longer term, find a local group where you can regularly interact with people over a shared common interest. A book club, a bowling league, community theater, whatever you’re into.
Losing your job could be a blessing in disguise. It doesn’t sound like you were particularly fond of the old job. Now you have a chance to find something better. Be grateful that you a family you can live with in the mean time. Some people aren’t so fortunate.
I don’t know you, but I hope things get better for you.
I mean isn’t there something you’re interested in aside from the stereotypical women, family and a nice job? Maybe you can find something that is fulfilling to you specifically? Idk, working out and getting in shape, learning something maybe coding, history or some (niche) fandom. You could build something, take pride in gardening or do artsy stuff and maybe sell it on Tindie. Write stories…
That’d help if you’re not like all the other people and you’re just following the beaten path, but it’s just not for you. In that case you’d need to explore what is right for you. That’s not easy.
Other possibilities include: You’ve in fact lost that game. Or you have some sort of mental illness like depression or a mid-life crisis and need treatment for it to get better.
No there’s isn’t anything that I want besides that.
Btw, and I don’t quite get if you’re comfortable where you are, or whether you aren’t. You post here regularly. You don’t have a drivers license, you gave up staying in shape, you gave up practicing an instrument… You want advice but you don’t want advice… I’m not sure what to make of this. Like if you want to become someone else, go ahead. Pick up the things you mentioned and actually do it.
And another word of unsolicited advice: People who are just ‘downers’ aren’t attractive. If you want someone to be interested in you, you gotta at least have something that’s interesting about you. Or be funny or at least be nice and not overly negative around people you’d like to meet again. And people who don’t care about anything also aren’t attractive.
If you read my post I didn’t asked for help. I just asked a question. And I’m well aware of that, but that’s literally me. I’m a downer, the world made me one, so I guess I’m cursed, I’m fucked since nobody wants me. You just told me that
Sure. I think you maybe dug yourself a comfortable hole. And now you to refuse to come out.
The question is: Now what? Do you want to be a downer? Do you not want to be a downer?
I don’t want anything, just stop feeling.
Then get help. There is medication that can suppress feelings. The numbers I linked aren’t just for suicide prevention. Getting help for other mental conditions is a related thing. It’s basically the same doctors/therapists. Just don’t self-medicate, that won’t get you anywhere.
If you’re serious about what you say, ask a doctor. He or she can make you stop feeling. It’s probably antidepressants that do that. And they’re prescribed by doctors. And if it ain’t easy to find a doctor, call the helpline, they have some contacts for people like you…
That’s a bit unfortunate but understandable. We all have things we want, it’s subjective and you’re as entitled to be happy and get what you want, as anybody else… Unfortunately the universe doesn’t exactly ‘owe’ that to us.
In that case I’m not sure what I’d like to advise you. It’s kind if a bummer and maybe I can sympathise. And both of your problems are big ones and not something that gets solved over night. Generally there are two options: Give up or don’t give up. The first thing isn’t really an option and the second requires you to put in some effort and try to change things around. Sometimes it’s really hard to get what you want and you fail over and over in the process. That’s not unique to your situation. But I think I can empathize how it feels if you already tried that and always failed.
On the flipside, I don’t know your exact situation. But it seems you’re quite down. You write you’re 34. I think that’s a common time to get a mid-life crisis. To reconsider your life 'cause now you’re not young anymore and you have to consider how to finally achieve things that life didn’t grant you until then. That’s not your fault.
I think it’s hard to get out of that. But I’d like to encourage you to think over with a broader perspective. It’s now that you’re not seeing any way out. That’s not necessarily true but it’s how you feel now. You somehow need to dig yourself out of that. You owe that to your future you, in case there is the slightest possibility that there is a way, you just don’t see it now. You fail until you don’t. And there is no way to know in advace how many more times you have to fail.
Get professional help. Call one of the helplines and just talk to them. They’re more skilled than internet strangers and they have some contacts they can connect you with. Maybe you need a doctor, I don’t really know.
As of now I think you need some coping strategy to get into a position where you’re able to do something (again) and not just feel down and dwell in that. I know that’s easier said then done…
I won’t call anyone. There’s no anyone anyways. Not for free.
That’s not true: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
It’s like dozens of pages of free numbers. Pick one that suits your needs. And they’re not all just for absolute emergencies… Or call a friend, a relative… They might know you and have an outside perspective on you and your situation.
I won’t kill myself. I don’t have access to guns and any other method is too painful.
The point of living is to enjoy yourself, you can go about that any way you like really. You don’t need to do the cookie-cutter meet-someone-and-start-a-family life to be happy.
Find something that makes you feel happy (or at least less shit) and do more of it. If you find enough things, you might find you can turn one into a job that you don’t hate.
You’ve not lost the game if you’re still playing.
What’s the point of living for anyone? There’s no point. Life is what you make out of it. If one keeps doing the same things day after day then that’s an indication they don’t want things to change. How could they change? Accepting things as they are and just sitting at home being miserable is a guranteed way to stay miserable.
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That fucker lived thousands of years ago plus he was rich and probably could get bitches if he wanted delivered at his place. He knows nothing about me, ergo means nothing to me.
Yeah…
Life’s fulfillment is in many ways measured in the quality of your relationships. Frankly, if you want to make meaningful relationships, you need to be the kind of fellow you or a regular person would want to be around.
You can’t really be a different person and you shouldn’t try. Instead you need to be the best version of yourself you can be. The one who listens well, or does nice things for others without expecting a reward. You have some positive instincts in there somewhere, but if you indulge selfishness, it will drowned out any of the positive aspects immediately.
Don’t do this attention seeking bs. If you want help, get help. The world is full of others seeking connections and you’ll break the hearts of family if you take the way way out. Maybe that’s what you want? Have an impact just by inflicting harm? I hope not, that’s what bad people do.
Get into bird watching or any other hobby. There’s tons of poor, interesting, people with deeply filling lives out there. You’re not uniquely suffering I’m afraid. Just pittying yourself.
But I’m a bad person. What I’m supposed to do? Reborn? I already have one hobby, videogames. And gave up on everything else.
Why did you give up on everything else?
Only commenting when you can be dismissive of people trying to do or say anything to lift you up. Have you ever considered that the problem is your shitty fucking attitude? Fix it. Then your life will be better. But you don’t want that, it seems. You just want to shoot down any help you receive when you keep asking for it. At this point, it’s clear what your problem is. You just don’t want to hear it or do anything about it. You can be less miserable. You just don’t seem to want to be less miserable.
Fuck me then. I guess I deserve to fucking die. I’m just… Me. And I won’t change.
The fuck does that mean? You can’t be you unless you are filled with despair and unpleasantness? Utter nonsense. You changed to get like this, you change every day.
So…your dilemma is that you’re miserable and wish you weren’t. But you refuse to change.
So you’re determined to stay miserable. If that’s the case, fine. Do you, but don’t expect other people to have sympathy for you if you’re just an unrelenting asshole and trying to pawn off the responsibility for your misery on others.
Read some Camus. But hE’s DeAD sO fUCk hIm right?
Get over yourself. Change if you don’t want to be miserable. But if you’re determined not to, stop fucking asking everyone to validate your feelings.
It sounds like you have depression messing with your mind. I empathize a lot, since I’ve been in that place.
The thing I will say is that most of the problems looming over you are paper tigers. They have far less substance than your mind is telling you they have.
Unfortunately, the lesson I learnt was that no-one will actually help you. People will make a lot of nice noises, and will even accommodate you, but they won’t help. That needs to come from you. Don’t get me wrong, it’s terrifying, but it’s like neo taking the red pill. It’s not that he’s not scared, but that he knows the other option is not where he wants to be.
Up until now, I’ve just been making nice noises, so onwards to some practical advice.
Appearance.
You mentioned you are a bit of a lock in. Often you can get your appearance slip, don’t let it. It can be as simple as keeping personal hygiene sorted, and wearing “smart” clothes when you go out. They don’t need to be expensive, just look nice. For men, a button up shirt and some chinos can make a huge difference to how others react to you.
Socialising
As painful as it is, social skills are a necessary tool of life. They also go rusty VERY quickly. This leads to a feedback loop that leaves socialising as a terrifying idea. Your goal should be to have a short conversation with a “stranger” every day. This could be as simple as asking a cashier how their day is going, or asking for directions from someone out and about.
At this point you’re probably mentally whimpering “I can’t do THAT!”. You actually can, and most people will actually respond positively. The part of your mind saying you can’t is the problematic part. Recognise that it is trying to help, but that its advice is bullshit.
Anchoring
The above is the most basic stuff you should be aiming for. The most important thing however is to establish mental anchors. Think of them like the bolts climbers use for their ropes. Reaching them is hard, but once they are embedded, recovering from a fall gets a lot easier. You also preferably want several anchors. Sometimes they fail, it happens. If you only have one, that can cause problems, but if you have several, repairing the lost one becomes a minor annoyance.
A good anchor is a commitment you can lean on and say “that’s a positive thing for me” even when you really don’t feel it. Groups, or periodic events work best. Meet-up is a good resource for finding things and ideas. Some more ideas below.
Gym - a regular fitness regime does wonders for your mind. It also gives organic opportunities to talk to people.
Sports - often cheaper than the gym, find a regular sport meetup and go along. Don’t worry about being completely rubbish at the start. Most people respect effort, and you will see the payoffs quite quickly.
Martial arts - similar to the above, but a bit more formalised.
Dungeons and dragons - one of the classic “weirdos unite!” socialising methods. If you’re polite, and followed the hygiene advice earlier, you’ll find most groups extremely accepting.
Makerspaces - if you’re engineering/creative then these make excellent opportunities to socialise. I actually ended up establishing one. It turned out I wasn’t the only weirdo in the area who wanted somewhere to socialise on our terms.
The pub - a classic, but often doesn’t fit a lot of people’s mindset.
Cinema groups - cinema has gotten a bit expensive now, but once you have a job again they can be a good social event. You get to hang out with a group for a while, without needing to talk much. Once the film is over, you have an automatic topic of conversation.
I’ll leave things there. Just remember, that voice in your head means well, but is lying to you. The looming monsters are paper thin, but only you can punch through them.
I won’t do any of that, because I have done a few of these things in the past. Still miserable and nothing changed. And most of the things you said don’t exist in my area anyways. Not like I would go.
That’s your choice. Just don’t expect others to change your life for you.
And if it helps. I went through that cycle more than a few times. Put effort in, get nothing back then give up, and slip further. Even now, it’s a constant battle. I know where I will end up if I falter however, so I keep my foundations strong, even when the depression tells me it’s not worth the effort. Those anchors make it possible to pull myself back out of that pit of despair.
Oh, and yes the initial climb out is exhausting, rewardless and terrifying. I fully understand why you don’t want to try again. I’m just saying that the climb isn’t infinite, and there’s firm footing further up.
Things never change, some are destined to lose.
Nothing is destined, the past is fixed, the present is happening, but the future is still ours to define.
Don’t get me wrong, it fucking hard to even start clawing your way out. Even worse, you won’t see any benefits at first. Even just taking the first steps seem terrifying and hopeless.
I’ve been in that hole, I still have that voice in the back of my head. There are 2 ways out, only 1 offers the possibility of happy moments.
I personally decided (eventually) to say fuck it, and plough forward till I made it or it killed me. I had to go way past where I thought my limits were. But the voice was wrong, I was (and am) far more capable than it told me.
If you want some advice on mental control techniques, I’ve a few that might help. I’d be happy to share if you want.
Here’s the thing, if living in your general geographic area doesn’t suit you, then finding a new geographic area might. If you stay in your room, how will you meet that companionship? Make those friends? Meeting people and making friends takes effort and this also means traveling. So find a shitty job that pays enough for you to safe some money and take a trip, they aren’t that expensive if you do your research, and who knows, you may meet someone that makes you stay, but at least you’ll be doing something FOR YOU!
From one depressed person to another, all I can say is what’s wrong in fucking trying one more thing.
Definetly ask me if you want some tips on traveling since I try going on 3-4 trips a year to help with my depression.
Dude I’m a poor immigrant without a job. I can’t do any of that. Plus moving scares me.
The things you listed is what society wants you to do, not what you want to do. Do some hard thinking what YOU want to do with your life and what is important to you; nothing else will give you peace and fulfillment. You can set some long term goals if you want, but from experience i tell you to start with something small and keep that up, that’s hard enough as it is.
If what you achieve and what you want is not the same, you will not be happy at all.
I don’t anything for myself though.
You must want something if you want to stop being unhappy. What would you change in your life if given the option?
Being born rich.
If you were born rich what would you want to do?
