I have given up trying to find a girlfriend. Even though, I am outgoing, have hobbies (I dance, which is actually filled with women), go to parties, talk to plenty of women. But I keep hearing the same thing over and over again: “I am just not so into skinny guys.”
I think this is fair from the woman’s perspective. I for one am only motivated to date attractive women. So, them not wanting to settle for less actually makes very good sense to me. There is absolutely no hate or bitterness regarding that. Fuck all that: ‘all women are whores’-noise.
That being said, I think I should just consider myself celibate by virtue of my own standards. But now bitterness is starting to take hold of me. Bitterness about my life and to me as a person. As I said I am very outgoing and don’t want to become the cynical asshole around my friends.
So how do I stop this?
Edit: I go to the gym on a regular basis.
Building on a sibling comment about loving yourself. I only got there in 2019. My world changed when I achieved this. Therapy was how I got there. It took many years. Find a therapist you trust. It might not be the first one. My average (across decades) is one that I trust for every two that I meet (one relocation and one therapist retired, so three total that I trust). I never thought I’d become who I am and I’m eternally grateful for the outcome.
“celibate by virtue of my own standards” … I was not aware I belonged to a club which viral acronym does not exist yet
“Choosy beggars”.
I think that might be volcel? as in voluntary celibate?
Well, is not like I can really chose what I “like” (my standards) beyond a certain point, most of mine at least are not a rational decision, I do not feel like I can really force me into tastes…
How about Stancels? We are celibate due to our standards?
I’m not into skinny guys
That seems way easier to fix than “I’m not so into fat fucks.” Just eat more and stop going to the gym.
Thats way harder than eating less? Like one is literally less work and the other is extra work.
You have no idea how much skinny guys hear this haha. I’m sure you mean well by it but at the end of the day you’re making light of what is a struggle for a lot of people.
With that being said, if the financials are there then yeah OP should be building some muscle. I personally needed to be on 3000 calories a day to gain any weight at all. But I swear gaining 20 pounds (8 or 9 kgs) turned my dating life around unbelievably fast.
Understand its not your fault and you shouldnt blame the world. Everyone goes through this at some point (esp guys) - be it skinny, fat, coloured or not, tall or short. Everyone has their preferences.
Giving up on actively finding a girlfriend is probably the best thing to do in your situation - but not out of spite - some women find an attractiveness in someone who has fun in their own presence. People want to be a part of that joy. Being bitter will only drive away friends and potential relationships.
With that said, do your own thing. If being skinny bothers you (and you alone, not what anyone else thinks), hit the gym and eat more? Try more activites either solo or with friends. Maybe even some extreme sports which a partner would otherwise not join you in. Just enjoy life and someone will come. I know people who found relationships in the most unexpected of times and places.
I understand theres an inch in the intimate department that cant be scratched with just normal friendships but idk, resist tbe urge or find other outputs to bring your urges back down enough so you can just be you and comfortable
If being skinny bothers you (and you alone, not what anyone else thinks), hit the gym and eat more?
And take up beer drinking. You’ll gain 30lbs.
Try alcohol free beer if you like your liver or don’t want cancer
All in your gut
It’s a been a long long time since I was dating, anyone who turns you down and says “sorry you’re too thin” is best avoided to say the least.
In fact I’m having a difficult time believing you keep hearing it, because it’s so rude.
Or it’s clearly just an excuse and there’s something else about OP
Be it my weight, face, or my personality, it actually hardly matters. Bottom line: There is an (innerly or outerly) ugly person who only wants to date attractive people, and by that they cannot get a partner. If that’s too much of a stretch for you, then there is no point explaining.
So you’re mad that people have the same criterias you do?
Did you even read my post? I am bitter about the fact I can’t find a partner, yes. That’s nobody’s fault. I perfectly understand and accept as to why. But yes I can still be bend out of shape about my loneliness.
You’re certainly ripe for the taking for the incel movement I can tell you that…
Wtf is wrong with you? OP is literally walking down the path opposite to incedom. Fuck off troll.
Pointing out their hypocrisy?
You’re a real beacon of positivity, huh? And you clearly didn’t read their post.
I believe it. My sons are tall and thin. People say things to them that they would never say to a short or heavy person! When they were younger, older women would offer to buy them food in bars, like they were thin because they were too poor to eat.
It could be an excuse to avoid the real reasons. If OP really wants to know the full story, he could ask one of the women who said this for be 100% honest with him about all the reasons she’s not interested.
That depends a lot on the sort of women he’s approaching. If he’s mostly approaching strangers he probably still won’t get a different real answer - if they’re brushing him off like this there’s a reason and “please be honest” isn’t going to change it.
This might work with an already good friend that he asked out, but that doesn’t seem to be the situation described.
Cast a wider net. Maybe the place you are in is too small for you. Save up money and travel to inexpensive places. Focus on your happiness, it will be obvious to others and make you more appealing.
TLDR: be happy to be alone, truly and genuinely. then it won’t matter if you find a partner, but you will be able to choose them with a clear mind if you do.
I’m basically a complete flip of you physically but I had the same problem for a loooooooooong time. I’m a tall, strong, heavy woman, and all i kept hearing was “you’re beautiful, I just don’t want someone taller/stronger/heavier than me”. I totally get it, I didn’t want to be taller/stronger/heavier than my partner either. But I’m like Fezzik- “it’s not my fault I’m the biggest and the strongest, I don’t even exercise”. except I did do cardio to try to slim down, I’m just built to survive famine I guess. ¯\(◉‿◉)/¯
What I didn’t understand was the ones who said they just wanted to be friends, because i just wasn’t their type, but would happily be fuck buddies, so long as we kept it hush hush. ಠಗಠ
Anyway, eventually after a bunch of very bad attempts at relationships where I took way more BS than I should have because I was just that hungry for affection, I decided I was just better off being single forever. I couldn’t seem to find a decent person who was attracted to me both physically and intellectually, so I decided to just stop looking. Not just stop looking, stop wanting. I actively wanted to be single for the rest of my life, in large part because I was just tired of the pain of being lonely. Like, “Jesus titty fucking Christ, we’re gonna cry ourselves to sleep because we’re SOOOO sad we’re alone AGAIN?! FFS, JUST STAHP!” So I stopped wanting a partner. I found I had so much more time and energy to do the things I was passionate about when I wasn’t futzing with all that stuff. I became the queen of getting shit done, remodeled my house myself, landscaped my yard, built a garden, went to the gym regularly, did weight lifting till I maxed out all the leg machines at the gym, and got close to maxing some of the upper body ones too. I was happy being single. I WANTED to be single. I craved my free time, the peace i found in solitude was better by orders of magnitude than any of the toxic relationships I’d clung to in the past.
After about two and a half years of that, a long time friend/ acquaintance started coming to me for massage ( I’m a deep tissue massage therapist with a focus on injury recovery and pain relief) and we would just talk throughout the sessions. Politics, philosophy, movies, anime, music, goals, food… Just everything. Eventually, after we’d just spent two more hours talking in the car after the two hours talking in the session, he said “Sooo… you know I’m flirting with you sometimes, right?” I turned him down. I said, more or less, “I’m happy single, I’ve had such a garbage time dating that I can’t pretend I’m not a decent part of the problem. I value our friendship and don’t want to hurt your feelings, and I’m not NOT attracted to you, I just don’t want to date ever again.” He was completely chill, said “no worries, no is no even if you’re attracted to me too. if you ever change your mind, let me know.” And he dropped it, never brought it up again… And fuck if that wasn’t the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. We kept being friends and talking and spending time together, talking about goals and wants and life plans and we found that our wants and goals in life were so in line it was uncanny. Importantly, neither of us wanted to get married, neither of us wanted kids, neither of us wanted to live with a partner ever again… It seemed like I could keep my peace, my space, my autonomy, AND have a partner who cared about my mind and emotions while also finding me wildly attractive. So we talked about what dating would look like and agreed to try it. It’s been 2.5 years so far and I’ve never been happier in a relationship. I still think if we stopped being romantically involved I’d probably prefer to go back to staying single, but I’m happy with him as a partner.
I tell you the whole story, kinda long and rambling as it is, because I don’t think I could have found a happy relationship if I had continued to want one with the same frantic energy as I had previously. I don’t think I would have been a person who could be as open and honest as I was with who I was if I’d still wanted a partner when we started to really get to know each other. I don’t think I was a whole person when I was looking for my “other half” and I don’t know if you can really find a good match if you’re not a whole entire person on your own. If I could distill the idea down to it’s core, I think it would be: be happy to be alone, truly and genuinely. then it won’t matter if you find a partner, but you will be able to choose them with a clear mind if you do.
Comments like these are why I love lemmy.
be happy to be alone
That was a very moving story. I going to try this. Hell or high water I will try. Not for the possible prospects but for me. Thank you for sharing!
Also:
¯\(◉‿◉)/¯ ಠಗಠ
I like these.
Yay! I’m glad it helped. X) As to the faces, I use Gboard and there’s a ASCII art library in the list of emoji/gif options. It’s quite entertaining. (￣³￣) ⊂(・﹏・⊂) ᕦ(ಠ_ಠ)ᕤ (ノ｀Д´)ノ彡┻━┻
Hell or high water I will try. Not for the possible prospects but for me.
This is the right mindset!
( ๑‾̀◡‾́)σ» then you also may like these
I wish I could upvote this more than once
Well, technically no one is stopping you.
“I just don’t want someone taller/stronger/heavier than me”
I hate this so much. It’s the inverse of women who will only date tall men.
Speaking for myself, I like women. And that means all kinds. It’s so hard for me to imagine seeing a woman who falls outside the “standard” and being turned off by that alone.
It’s true that the more you want something, the harder it can be to obtain lol
Sometimes you just have to be zen about it and then it can happen naturally.
I agree with the recommendation for therapy. I can say that it helped me to get in a more positive and constructive mind set.
Other thoughts on your lack of intimacy:
Getting a pet can give some kind of replacement for intimacy with another human being. Sure, it is not the same. But cuddling with a cat can help to feel less lonely.
For intimicy as in “sex”, I think there is nothing wrong with considering sex workers. Unless of course it is illegal in your country…
I used to be very skinny, like 58 kgs at 186. I met my wife when I was 18 and she loves skinny dudes 😂
Regardless, I did feel self conscious about my skininess because I was bullied for it in school. I’ve both accepted myself, but I also gained about 15kg of muscle by doing starting strength. I’m by no means ripped, but I do feel like I carry myself with more confidence and that goes a long way.
Also, my dude, take this from someone in a 20 year relationship… Looks are neat and all, but finding someone you can actually stand, spend a lot of time and plan a life with is a significantly more worthwhile trait to pursue.
Same, I hate muscles and fat on guys. Although that’s difficult to admit openly since a guy saying he is into heroine chic would be a social outcast, so why should it be acceptable if a woman says so. I like skinny guys and my husband is skinny af. I am by no means unattractive either.
My question to OP is - you seem to get rejected because of your looks, yet these beautiful women (by your standards) went out with you in the first place if I read that correctly. So there must have been some attraction in the beginning. At the very least they talked to you. But something along the line happened that made them not want to commit to you.
In general, we find people attractive because we like them. We don’t like them because we find them attractive.
It can very well happen that when you meet someone in your everyday life and get to know them and then happen to fall in love, they absolutely don’t fall into your “scheme” or “type”.
Therapy. Also focusing on your hobbies and filling your life with joys that don’t focus on a datemate. But definitely therapy.
I wish there were another answer, I’ve wondered similar things myself for many years and therapy is always the solution everyone suggests.
The problem is, where I live therapy is only available to wealthy people. It’s not something I’ll ever have access to :-(
Cognitive behavioral therapy workbooks work almost as well without a therapist as with one. You just have to have the self discipline to actually do it.
Aim lower.
It sounds shitty but there’s merit. Think of it like an RPG, where you grind on low level fodder until you have enough confidence to land where you really want. Also, you may find that people who you’ve generally considered “unattractive “ in the past are actually really great because they’re genuinely decent people.
Bag a few 2 or 3 girls (by your standards) so you feel confident and good enough about yourself that you’re not in a pit of despair.
I also noticed is that when you really stop trying, that’s when things tend to happen. Like you have to consciously stop trying. People can smell the desperation and effort a mile away. Confidence is sexy because it comes off as effortless.
Most people’s body will change as they age. I haven’t met many who don’t age or never get injured or both. Selecting a partner primarily based on their current appearance means you are using criteria suitable only for short term relationships.
This is why I feel like the whole “body positivity” movement is a god damn joke. It’s mostly about women who love munching cake more than having unclogged arteries. In the last decade we got so many shows and movies where the characters can be morbidly obese and everybody should praise them for their bravery. We got even plus sized manikins in stores, wow.
But I dare you to name a single character from a show or movie that is skinny (not jacked skinny, but skinny skinny) that isn’t a crackhead junkie, some psycho or a basement dweller with his eyes glued to a screen?
Hell, just name a Hollywood actor that is skinny?
I know one, DJ Qualms, who’s arguably most famous role is a disabled person. Great.
I really don’t blame women for not preferring skinny guys, I blame Hollywood for 3 decades of horrible PR.
We got even plus sized manikins in stores, wow.
you do know that’s because plus-sized clothing exists too, right? Do you expect stores to just not display their clothes simpy because they’re for fat people, or…?
But I dare you to name a single character from a show or movie that is skinny (not jacked skinny, but skinny skinny) that isn’t a crackhead junkie, some psycho or a basement dweller with his eyes glued to a screen?
Victor, from Arcane; Ben Wyatt, from Parks and Recreation; Gareth Keenan, from The Office (UK); Ken Cosgrove from Mad Men. I’m sure there are many more, but that’s just who I could think of off the top of my head.
I absolutely agree that there should be better representation of men’s (and women’s, imo) body types, including skinny men. But you’re really overestimating the quantity and quality of decent representation of fat women in roles that don’t rely on steroetypes. By that, I mean: isn’t unhinged/shrill/creepy/portrayed as gross or undesirable because she’s fat (and sometimes old)/there solely and shallowly as “the funny fat woman”. The majority of roles played by women, especially prominent ones, are still played by thin women.
Fat female characters are relatable and important to have because—whether you like it or not—fat women exist in real life. One simply existing in media does not inherently come with a statement condoning any particular lifestyle as you seem to be implying.
I know one, DJ Qualms, who’s arguably most famous role is a disabled person. Great.
…and? That’s a bad thing to you?
That’s a very surface level glance at the movement. Don’t get me wrong, it is about women who “love munching on cake” because those women should be able to do whatever the fuck they want and still be respected and treated with dignity(
I also can’t ignore that it’s an issue for fat women, but not fat men?) . You don’t have to find fat people attractive, hell, you don’t even have to like them, but that doesn’t mean that person should be condemned to a life of solitude and ridicule until their body is good enough for society. Life is too short for that. Even if you’re working towards health, you should still get to experience the world today. However, that’s one piece of of the movement, it is also about stopping the “real women have curves” ideas, and putting body types against each other. It’s about how leading men are showing casually jacked forms like that’s just what the average guy looks like. It’s about men not drinking water before shoots to see their muscles better, even if it leaves them dangerously dehydrated. It’s about men who are ridiculed or turned down for their height alone. It’s about men like OP who think their body type isn’t good enough, it’s about the women OP met who automatically deemed OP’s value by his apperence. If your complaint is that there aren’t enough representations of male body types, that is part of the body positivity movement. These desires are not opposed to each other, but to do one, you have to do the other. You can’t have a message of “All these bodies are great, except those.” It shouldn’t matter how the body got the way it is, or even if the body is healthy. It deserves respect. I don’t chastise and belittle thin people, or even “too thin” people, and go, “you need to eat a sandwich. You need to lift weights. I’m just worry about your health after all. God, just eat more. It’s not hard.” If they’re not friends or family, it’s none of my fucking business.For some reason fat people feeling good and desirable about their bodies seems like the worst fucking thing for whatever reason. We have had people doing all kinds of drugs and harmful practices to stay thin, or avoid that ridicule. Fat shouldn’t be a social death knell. A condition, sure. Not healthy, fine. Not worth being seen or existing? Not fine.
OP is asking about not becoming bitter, here you are, spreading nothing but bitterness.
Oh no, that’s like not me at all /s.
Here’s the thing about people…every one of them is different. You could be white, and find a girl who only dates black guys. You could be black, and a girl only dates white guys. You could be fat, skinny, or muscular. And you could run into the girl that doesn’t mesh well with your type.
I once saw a guy with nazi tattoos, and he had a nazi girlffiend. I told them they could go fuck themselves. They laughed it off, but I wasn’t joking.
Point is, if you think of yourself as not getting dates because you’re skinny, find the girls who like the skinny guys. If a nazi can get a date, so can you. You just gotta find the right crowd. I know two girls who likes red headed irishmen with freckles. But I bet somewhere out there is a red headed irishman who thinks theres no girls for him because he has too many freckles. Little does he know he’s a panty dropper with these two specifically.
Find your person!
You only want to date attractive women. You aren’t attracted to many women. Those ones don’t seem attracted to you.
Does that sound right?
That’s a nonstandard combination, and that’s ok. You might be Ace, but not Aro. An Ace person (or someone elsewhere on the sexuality spectrum) could hold women to a high beauty standard for aesthetic reasons. While still having low requirements for the romantic side (i.e. be willing to compromise to get romance)
Figuring out yourself will then dictate your dating approach. If you are Ace, then finding a beautiful Ace girlfriend is not the same approach as finding a straight one.
All I know is, my desire for sex would (did) easily override some arbitrary beauty requirement. I think most generic straight guys would agree. So if this isn’t happening, it’s worth your time to ask why.
I really wish people would stop commenting that someone has this or that identity when they just want a normal life. Having trouble finding a girlfriend? Maybe you don’t want sex! Like what? Stop normalizing this.
I’ll stop as soon as it IS normalized, so that those people who actually are Ace don’t waste fallout their life wondering why they’re unhappy.
